Sticks Like A Memory, Floating Like A Dream

Today I had a memory flash before that made me feel as if I had traveled back in time. I'll get those on occasion and they are just a flash of nostalgia that overwhelms me. The memory was one of those regular mundane moments that stick with you forever for whatever reason.

This one had to do with buying Surge at Campustown in Illinois. Campustown was a little shop on the downtown area of Normal that sold ISU tshirts by the truckload and would carry black light posters, some soda supplies with chips and snackables, as well as bootleg CDs when they were popular. Want a concert from your favorite band on a shitty audio quality CD that someone used a microphone from the audience to record? They had them, and for the low price of about $25 a piece.

I had gotten some Nine Inch Nails CDs from the place, because they were and still are my band. I still have those CDs around somewhere, and they hold a special place in my heart.

This store had sold 20 oz bottles of Surge, and I planned on getting as many as I could. This place also was the first place that I bought my 18th bday presents for myself. In particular, I wanted to get cigarettes, lottery tickets, and porn. This place had all three. A little nervous but also proud that I had decided to do this, I walked up to the cash register at the front of the store by the door. I asked for the lotto ticket, asked for a random pack of cigarettes that I was going to give to a friend because I could, but then there was the porn. When the cashier asked if I was going to get anything else, I looked over at the magazines on the other side of the entrance and nodded in that direction. I said "well, I would get porn too, but those guys are all over it."

There was a group of three guys, probably college age. They were checking out the magazines and were checking out the dirty ones as well. This was before the internet had eased the ability for young college guys to Google search their way to delights. The cashier, in all her glory, told them to step back from the magazines, that it was my 18th bday, and that I needed to get some porn.

They parted like the Red Sea. They each held in their hands some of the dirtiest magazines ever. They were probably your standard Hustler or Playboy, but they were shoving them in front of my eyes and giving me all the details of the differences between each magazine. The courage I had in telling the cashier I wanted to get some porn somehow went to the wayside in front of these dudes. I did a 12 year old boy's nervous chuckle when he talks to a girl he likes for the first time, held my hand out, and grabbed whatever one was in front of me at the time.

I got the other supplies and left the store that day a proud, yet somewhat sheepish, man. I think I gave both the porn and the cigarettes away to the same person, whoever that was. I didn't win the lottery tickets, but it was one of the most memorable experiences of my life.

For a moment today, I was back in that store. I was buying Surge like it was an average day. I couldn't tell you the clothes I wore. I couldn't tell you what day of the week it was. I remember the Surge, I remember the smell of Jake's Pizza across the street, and it all is as clear to me as if I was in the room at this very moment. The memory is like a distant dream now, as that instance could literally have been half a lifetime ago.

Getting wrapped up in Nostalgia from time to time can be a good thing. The trick is to avoid having it take you over, and bring you down. Too much time with your head in the past and you don't know if you can make the trip back. I don't understand why I can remember boring old memories like that one were it just seemed like it was an average day. There must have been some connection in my brain that day that fired in just the right way to hardwire everything about that moment. If I ever go senile, I hope that is one of those moments that plays a constant cycle in my head. That would be a good memory and somewhat bittersweet moment against the tragedy of memory loss.

You Can't Change The Alt Past

Alternate pasts and futures have been a thing for me since I first read about them in comic books from years ago. What would life be like if things just went down a different path? It can be a weird form of nostalgia, as you embrace an idealistic version of the past and try to play it out if things had just been a little different than before.

This weird feeling came up a couple of weeks ago when I had heard about layoffs happening at my old job back in Illinois. The company I was with was one were you didn't think an event like that would happen, but there you go. I got to thinking what would life be like if I was still there and didn't make the move to Austin. The odds, and general circumstances, told me that I would have probably been on the chopping block. That would have meant moving to a smaller place, buckling down and attempting to find another job, and just all sorts of crazy. Instead I am in Texas, which at times feels like I am living out some weird alt history for me.

There are some big moments in life that I wonder what would happen if I zigged instead of zagged. What if I never tried out for theater in high school? What if I didn't date who I did? What if certain relationships went longer or weren't even there? What if I never started working at Steak n Shake my junior year? So many to choose from, and that is just in that pivotal time of high school.

When I'm really wrapped up in this feeling, the go to ideas always involve a girl. What if I stayed together with one? What if we got pregnant? What if we never dated at all? Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I stayed in certain homes and kept up the weird lifestyle I was doing.

I would call it looking back in fondness, but I also look at some of the bad paths I was headed down and the possible fractures of my life that would have been. Trust me, it all isn't a bed of roses.

So, what if I hadn't met my ex-fiance?

Frame the situation - I was living with Gale Murrin, and we lived in a party house. We were going crazy with good times. In my infinite wisdom, I made the decision to move to Champaign, about an hour away. There wasn't anything really pulling me there, I just wanted to get out of town. Had a potential transfer from the steakhouse I was working at to the new city. But then I met my fiance, and things took a turn. I didn't move and instead went to live with her. We got engaged quickly, and life happened.

So, what would the alternate timeline be? First, I start with what I learned about myself after being with her. This includes getting back in to George Carlin and discovering Bill Hicks for the first time. I learned about my true feelings on religion and how it really wasn't for me and I didn't want that to be something that was a part of a significant other's life as well. I got a little more in debt with the wedding ring I got her, and maxed out a credit card that I got simply because I wanted to prove a point that I, who was in immense debt at the time, would have and easier time getting a credit card than she, who had never owned a credit card before. Moral of the story - getting yourself into further debt to prove a point is very costly. I got to go to Wisconsin for the first time in my life. And at the end of the relationship, I got to move in with my friend Johnny.

Now, let's see what would be different. I would probably have stayed in town despite the attempts at moving. I think I would have moved in with my friend Seth. I'd be living in a slightly large closet of a room, and would be on the south side of town. I still would have been at the steak house. A second job? Unknown. A relationship at that time might have gone a little weird, as there were a couple of people that I was interested in before my ex-fiance jumped in to my life. If I started a relationship with either of them that developed more, it would have been a crazy good time, but wouldn't have lasted long. My views on religion would be put on hold, and I'm not sure if I would have found them without that strong life experience in place.

Drinking would definitely have grown. I would have continued to be caught up in movies and pop culture. I had been getting a little in to different music at the time, so I probably would have stumbled my way in to that. I don't think I would have done anything musically, but I would probably have spent some cash on getting a guitar or drum set and having a go at it. I didn't have the discipline then to really jump in to a hobby like that.

I dare say it, but I think I would have been popped for a DUI. I was a little more reckless then, and that would have probably gotten me in to a bit of trouble. I could see that driving me to want to get out of town even more. I was fully about to embrace the thought of BloNo as a here-to-go type of town.

I don't think I would have discovered vanilla vodka and orange soda. That was a drink I remember having a lot of when I lived with the ex. I would have gone heavier in to the whiskeys, and that would have become a more expensive habit than it turned out to be. Then again, I wouldn't have to worry about money so much since some of my debt wouldn't be there with her not around to rise up the debt level.

Damn. This is a sad thing to admit, but I'm not thinking about too much on the positive side of this alt timeline. It might not have been the brightest path. Maybe I would have changed my mind about Champaign in time for me and the roommate to keep the party place so we could keep the party going. Another year in that house would have been fun. When you throw that in to the mix, there is too much possible scenarios, all of which involve long nights, great people, and more crazy high jinxs. Now that would be a timeline to live through.

You mix a party house with alcohol, unknown peeps, random visits, and continue on everything that happened the previous year and it would have been amazing. I had just gotten in to beer and wine at the place. I think in that alt timeline I would have encountered George Carlin again, and gotten in to Bill Hicks. The views on religion still wouldn't have confronted me yet, but maybe a drunken debate with people one night could make things different.

That was a strange time in my life, and I mean that in the nicest sense possible. I grew up a lot then, and actually going through the relationship spend things up a bit. I hate admitting that. Despite all of the negatives that came out of the situation, it was probably for the best. When you learn a lot, you grow up a lot. Wisdom attained, life experience +25 points. On to the next level.

A bigger question to think about - what if I ended up getting married to the Christian girl from Wisconsin who loved the Packers and was interested in starting a family? Would divorce have entered the picture? Kids?

I could not imagine me as a father in any alt timeline. Well, maybe if things were different. But that definitely wouldn't have happened with that ex.

The Xmas I Worked at a Pawn Shop

I have a weird thing with gifts.

I more and more don't know how to react when people give me physical gifts. Xmas, bday, just because, you name the reason for the gift and I'll give you a sense of dread and awkwardness. I'm much better if people buy me drinks or a meal.

There is an apprehension I get, because I don't know how to react. I can't really fake a good response, so however I feel will show. I know people care about me and they want to show it, but I don't know how to respond.

One thing I've never gotten since I was a kid was a surprise party for me. I've seen several, being on the side of the serving industry that has one or two of them a week, but never one for me. I think that is a combination of me to blame for not planning things out with my schedule that would allow someone to be able to do that and just not being in the right situation. I have participated in several for others, and have planned a few, but never had one thrown for me.

There was one time that comes to now that I think about it, when some friends came over and kidnapped me to other parts of town. Hillary Peppers and someone else (memory isn't what it used to be) came by and kidnapped me from my apartment. They wanted to take me somewhere and hid me in the back seat with my head covered. I got out and it was a truck stop on the east side of Bloomington. Little did they realize, my old boss from my first job was the new boss of the diner side of the stop and I got my meal for free that night. It was fun, and interesting. I don't recall many of the details of the night outside of that.

No girlfriend ever surprised me with a big party. I blame myself in part because I always wanted to plan out how it would go. I have managed to help surprise a few people, and they were good times. There was one time I floored one of my brothers with an Xmas gift - and that probably changed our relationship for the good.

Some background on that - we hadn't talked in years. The divorce of my mom and ex-step dad really separated our family. I had a brother that ran on the wrong side of the law for a while, and we had a beef that went back years because who knows why. Fast forward to about a decade ago, and it was going to be Xmas celebrated at my place. I said he could come, and that alone was going to be the big thing.

I had just gotten a job working at a pawn shop. It was a shitty job, but I learned a lot about putting items for sale on eBay. We got handed a bonus, something I didn't expect. It was $100, and I was thinking about what I could spend it on. Then I got a phone call from my mother that changed things.

Turns out that my parents had gotten my brother some PS2 games. As luck would have it, my brother ended up pawning his PS2 in order to make rent and have some funds for Xmas. The gifts my parents got for him would have been salting the wound a little, much to their dismay. My mom knew I worked in a pawn shop, and asked if any had come in. They didn't have the cash, but they were grasping for straws at what to do. I told my parents not to worry, and that I would take care of it.

My brother and I didn't speak much that Xmas. It was tense. But then the gift giving came, and the sheer shock on his face when he opened the PS2 that I spent my bonus money on to held save Xmas was one I will never forget. You could tell that there was some mixed emotions going on in his head. I had the biggest beef with my brother for the longest time, and there was something in that moment that just made it melt away. To go from not talking to each other to today where he insisted on getting a picture of him and his brother with his son before his brother moved to Texas....

Maybe that is why I don't get surprise parties thrown for me, because I pulled a good one for someone that will mean more to me than anything that could happen from here on to myself. But I am open to seeing that change in the future.

Draft Thoughts on Internet Comments

Commenting on social media is a thing I am hesitant to do. Posting? No prob. Responding to comments? Eh, give or take.

I used to be big in to political posts and seeing it all go crazy in the comments. Then it just got sad as strangers who I knew didn't know each other went at it. Over nothing. I really think it was because online you can just yell at strangers and feel like you are winning an argument. What are you arguing over? Anything.

Le sigh.

When I first started commenting on the internet, and specifically on comic message boards, you had to argue with total strangers over nothing. You could argue black is white and as long as you stuck to your guns the conversation would continue. There was a writer, Warren Ellis, who guided me to start looking at comments on the internet with a grown up approach.

First thing, always use your real name for your avatar. If you make up something and just stick behind that wall, then you aren't accountable for anything you say. There is no accountability for your actions. You delve in to this avatar that isn't you, and your filter goes away.

Yeah, I'm not down with that. There has to be a long term approach to what you say on the internet. You have to be willing to grow up and change, and if you don't, then the internet will remember.

I don't know. I was wanting to go somewhere with this post a little bit more, but the roommate put on the SNL episode this past week that was a Prince tribute episode. I'm just enjoying that and not focusing on this. Pardon me, but I must enjoy this goodness.

The Passing of Heroes and Time

Legends never die, they just fade away.

Hearing about celebrity deaths gives us as a people time to sit and reflect upon life, even if briefly for a minute. With each passing of a great actor, artist, musician, or other big influence in our life, we slowly realize that the world is moving ahead. Our time will be coming soon. We have to face it, or just keep collectively morning our losses.

I can't recall the first celebrity death that I remember having an impact on me. I vaguely recall George Burns passing away, and always saw the image of a man smoking a cigar. Never understood why so many people reacted the way they did upon hearing the news. I didn't have the wisdom or experience to see the impact on the greater whole.

The first big death where the person influenced me a lot was George Carlin. Someone I listened to, laughed to, and influenced a lot of how I should view the world. That one struck home a bit.

I never really had a role model growing up. No big celeb to look up to. You could say the occupation was very transient. There is the person for a few months and then on to the next. No one really staying around long enough to make an impact outside of the time when they did.

I guess I always looked at death from a distance, even when it was up close to me. People cried and got emotional, but I never really did. I always thought I was just freezing up inside, but now I want to think it was me slowly realizing the big picture about life - that death is inevitable. It comes for us all, and we should do what we can to make an impact on the living while we still have the chance.

Moby. I'm taking a quote I heard from Moby about music. The summary of it is that music is really nothing but the air vibrating in a specific rhythm that is pleasing to your ear. Slow vibrations in the air. I took that and went a little more with it when I was talking about death with someone. Think of life, our existence, in that sense of a slow vibration hanging in the air around us. We sound so loud and big when we are right there next to each other. Then death happens, and that vibration gets a little less strong, and a little less strong with each passing day. For some, they made a lot of noise when they were alive, and they will be echoing through time for quite a while. For some, not so much. Slowly the vibrations fade away without us really knowing it.

We don't know about what happens to people on the other side of the globe. We don't know the details of their life unless the vibrations they make in the air travel around to for us to hear it. Yet we keep on living. We keep moving forward.

I want to be able to make enough noise to send vibrations around the world. But then I realize that even if I succeed at that, then slowly over enough time, it will all fade away.

It isn't a bad thing. It just means that life is moving forward and finding new ways to keep moving onward. I enjoy it. So I'll let the musical vibrations of those who have passed recently continue to play on in my head and through my stereo speaker. This is how I honor those who have spent their life trying to make others see the world just a little differently.

Planning a Sunday Funday

I'm sitting at home listening to various Doctor Who soundtracks after a night of planning meals to cook up for the Game of Thrones premiere party on Sunday that my friend is throwing and I am helping cook up some meals for.

I'm giddy with excitement at everything that I just wrote.

First, Doctor Who. This is a show that I was reluctant to watch at first, but then I got in to it. Really in to it. The concept of the show is about a time travelling alien. I had read a lot of the spoiler type stuff on various comic and nerd websites, but I largely ignored it. Something told me that I would save it in he back of my mind, and that it was likely that I should keep that in mind when I got in to the show.

I think I binged so much after watching it at first that I was just amazed at everything about it. The time travel device, the characters, the writing, the British side of it, and everything about it. It has been on for over 50 years and it has a magic to it, a certain formula, that comes from the love of the creators adding to the mythos. The show and the cultural relevance of it was definitely something that is akin to comics for me, and specifically superhero comics. Something that has lived way beyond the original creators and was morphed in to this thing that has a life all on its own.

Game of Thrones was what I did for my first week in Austin. I was planted on the couch and caught up on the whole series that first week when I wasn't doing anything else. I got swooped in and now am a fan. I'm not as big of a fan as others, but I would describe it as something more than a fair-weather fan. I don't have the love for the books as some people do, but I consider it their books to my comic books and superhero movies.

In fact, I feel for the people who are the fans of the books. Here they get to see their precious source material adapted in to another median for the first time. For some, it will be a shock as to what got changed, for others, a blessing. As someone who has seen so many versions of each of his beloved characters, I sit back and watch with interests at their reactions. Change in how a story is told from one median to the next is something that has to be understood in the broader picture. There isn't going to be a direct book to film comparison where the book is used as the story board for the movie/show and it must be a direct reflection of one. What works for one genre might not necessarily work for the other. People who are going to be pissed off about the changes amuse me.

And on to cooking, and trying new recipes. I think I am looking forward to that out of everything. Forget the wine fest that will happen, forget the show itself, I think that cooking will be what makes my day.

Here is to what will be a good Sunday Funday, where making new friends will be the thing.

If You Aren't Learning, You Aren't Growing

File this under Weird Things I Know How To Do Now That I Didn't Think Would Happen.

- Navigate a big city using Google Maps on an almost daily basis. I do this for traffic alerts and to make sure the path I want to take to work is available. Now navigating that traffic, that's a different story.

- Cook pizza from scratch. Dough and all. It is to the point that I can do it based on memory, and I haven't touched a frozen pizza in months. Even when I do take out pizza, I avoid chains. Domino's and Pizza Hut are two things I haven't had in a really long time.

- Work out. Read previous posts regarding the oddness of this in my life

- Living in Texas. It has been quite the journey so far, and the fact that I can openly say it and not be baffled by it sends s shiver down my spine at times. It is Texas, shouldn't that frighten me? Land of the cowboys, guns, and crazies? I do live in the weirdest town in the state, and that is saying a lot.

- Being asked daily for handouts at most intersections I stop at. I will say this, I haven't been yelled at. All you have to do is just say sorry, no cash and people move on. I hate lying to people, especially when I could give, but...but... damn it, now I gave myself a complex. I just don't want to start to give to one, because then I justifiably can't deny it to another one. Even in instances where they are only asking for a buck or a quarter.

- Cooking vegetables and eating them as snacks. I have always been a chips, snacks, salty, bad for you foods, and give me more terrible diet choices kind of person. I eat vegetables almost daily, get most of my grocery shopping done in the produce section, and enjoy prepping vegetables for me to easily grab and go. I still indulge myself in the occasional snack or chip, but that happens almost in the exact opposite manner than what it was two years ago.  I'm not all veggie guy these days, but I almost prefer it at food gatherings now more so than the other stuff.

- Drinking bottled water. Apparently the water here in Texas isn't that great with lots of sediments in it. To combat this, as well as avoid a kidney stone, I drink a lot of filtered water and bottled water. With recycling so big around here, I consider that everything is balancing out in the end.

- Acne. I don't like that I've gotten a little used to it, but since moving down it has flared up. I'm thinking it has to do with stress, and the amount of exercise I've been doing has definitely cut down on the flare ups. I still think that this is something that a 34 year old shouldn't have to go through, but my body is still in a bit of adjustment period since moving down.

- Making new friends at every corner. It happens so often that it just seems natural these days. Everyone I meet is a potential new friend. When people tell you how hard it is to make friends after a certain age, call them liars. You can make new friends any day that you encounter new people you haven't met before.

- Using my debit card everywhere. Since I was a big time server back in Illinois, I got used to having cash on hand and spending it as I could. Now I have to calculate everything out on my debit card and make sure not to go broke. Having money on hand just isn't the same as it was before. I've tried just taking cash out of the bank, but I am finding that more of an annoyance than anything. Strange how that only took six months to change that habit.

It will be nice that a digital record is kept of this so I can come back a year from now and see what new habits I've picked up.

Schakney's Burger Joint

The Setting: Chili's. Friday night. Table for 2 at a booth. Early fall day.

The Characters: Myself and the ex.

Two patrons unknowingly share their last meal together in a chain restaurant in the middle of Illinois.

Topics of conversation: Anything that one doesn't want to talk about but the other one addresses it.

Awkward silences that hang in the air for no reason. Anger over selecting the location taking more time than it should. Water and diet soda for the gentleman. A margarita for the lady that hits the lady harder than it should.

Preface: I had been working on a book for a solid hour a night for a while. It was coming along great with plotting and story structure.

With those particulars out of the way, let's focus on the main thrust of the conversation that I still vividly recall at the dinner table. Mainly, the topic of what I was writing.

It was easy to put in to words what it could be, and what it was becoming. Any other project that I worked on would return to the land of could  have been stories the moment I mention them to someone. I don't know why the project would collapse, it just did. This applies to anything, drawings, games, writings. So when she kept stabbing at me for the details, I couldn't really put it out there. I wasn't ready for any kind of feedback because it was still becoming something.

There was a weird interest about the subject coming from here. She cared enough to ask, to at least acknowledge that I had been creating something, but that is where it should have stayed. She pressed on, probably because we were having dinner at a place that wasn't her first choice (neither was it mine, but those details are as important now as they were to her that night).

Flash forward to today. I haven't touched the story in months. After that night, the wind got knocked out of me pretty hard. I tried to pick up the keyboard, to open the files and fall in to the world I created to make something of it. Even the times since then bring about this weird feeling inside.

When I was building the story, I wasn't drinking I was someone completely different than what I am today. Occasionally I will look at the files to try and focus on it again. Not so much the thought of scratching an itch, but a reminder of how I got the scar.

But here I am today, at least talking about it. If I'm going to dip my toes in, might as well cannonball.

The story followed a kid I was going to call Marcus. He worked at a diner called Schakney's. There were a couple of the restaurants in a small town. A lot of what happened to him and his time there was going to be a patch work of my own restaurant experience, as well as some additional fiction.

There was going to be an incident, either a robbery gone wrong, or something where Marcus was attacked by someone he trusted. My goal was to make the situation something that showed the town's racial side, where Marcus saw that it wasn't that. The idea was that at the end of the book would have Marcus making a decision whether to leave town or not. It was a classic coming of age story for a teenager. Marcus' problem was going to be that he trusted people at face value and didn't think things were as bad in the town until he was forced to look at the cracks.

There were going to be smaller, funnier moments. I have a lot of restaurant stories to tell from the time at Steak n Shake that would have worked oh so well. Part memoir/part false reality/part false hope from my mind to the page.

Every time I think of that story, I end up thinking about that night, that dinner, and the end of the relationship. I haven't been able to write at my old desk since then. When I was still in Illinois, I would turn on the music, sit at my desk, and just freeze up. I would get in to that world and then I was transported back in to the room that I wrote it in, surrounded by my books, video games, and just being immersed. Going back to that setting just reminds me of the time with her, of the home we shared, and of the interruptions from my cat and dog. Even now it hits a bit. But this is the first time I'm writing it down, trying to move past it.

A part of me gets angry because this was my story and my memories and I get the feeling like they are being held hostage behind bars of nostalgia with each memory that we shared buried deep in the cement blocking my way out.

I'm going to pick that story up again someday. Where I was going, what I was creating, it is all begging to get out. Time will be my armor to confront this tangled mess. Let these be the first steps.

Fell on Happy Days

It pays to take stock of your life at times and realize the world around you. When doing that today, I realized just how happy I am.

I have good friends that make for good company. I have a job that challenges me enough to keep my interest in it going. I am making healthy decisions with food, desires, and just everything in general.

I am more outgoing these days then I ever could be in Illinois. I'm a little fish in a big, sometimes scary pond, and I like it.

I think it is important to remember times like these, because there will be times when things are scary, depressing, and makes me want to shut the world out. Today is not one of those days, and I am very grateful for it.

I feel like life is giving me a huge sense of adventure. This feeling is something I wish for everyone I know to have and to hold on to. Even in the pouring rain, today has been fun.

I enjoyed half a thing of Chips Ahoy today. Glass of mil included. It is something I haven't done in years, and today it felt fabulous to do.

Almost six months in this town, and I feel more alive than ever. Let's keep this feeling going strong.

Dating Apps and The City

Truth be told, I haven't been on a date in something like a year and a half. Outside of a speed dating thing. This isn't really do to lack of trying on my end, things just haven't been going my way in that department.

After the break up, I needed some me time. I decided not to date anyone for a short time just so I can get settled in my kin and process the whole multi-year relationship ending. I jumped on the dating apps and sites just to see what was around town and who else was single and looking.

The problem with trying to dip in to the dating pool in a small town you have lived in for years is that everyone knows everyone. It isn't the best place to really meet people unless you are willing to date outside your date range and want more than just bar buddies.

The other problem, and this was apparently greatly on the dating apps, is that everyone who might be like you is living 2 hours north in the big town of Chicago. Seriously, it took me expanding the search that much in order to see someone who had some of the same interests as me. Not cool for me with the odds department in finding someone local.

Then I moved to Austin, and boom.

I started following just one or two apps at first, and found that there are a lot of either independent, business owning, 34 year old super models who are down for whiskey, Netflix, and dorky stuff. Also included, sky diving pics, pictures of their world traveling selves, Christian, fans of multiple group shots of their friends, and just plan spammer materials. Blah.

I'm now on 3 apps giving it a go. I'm pretty much swiping right on everything just to see if there are real people on the apps or not. The worst one for this is Bumble, where the girl makes the first move if you match. EVERYONE is a super model on it with the looks of a 20 year old with an age listed as 35. EVERYONE owns their own business. So if there was one I wouldn't recommend, it would be that one.

The speed dating thing was interesting. Here I was out looking for other single people ready to start something, and in the two times I went I ended up matching with this one girl twice. But any time we tried to set something up, she had to bail. Some background on the speed dating - you don't have access to each other's info unless you both like each other on the website after the event. She and I matched up two times, so I thought that maybe it wasn't a fluke thing.

So I've tried. From the looks of it, being single is just who I am going to be. I've been enjoying it, and maybe there is some people out in this town that are like me. But between going out, meeting new people, dating apps, speed dating, and just in general putting myself out there, it doesn't seem like there might be someone in this town who is interested in the same things I am. Which is weird, because this is a nerdy town. Maybe I'm not going to the right nerdy events just yet.

I'm sure I'll be talking more about this down the line. For right now, I'll continue to swipe right, like peeps, reach out and try to start conversations that begin with something other than just "hi" - which is apparently what girls want guys to do but when I try to reach out and talk about something they say they are interested in in their profile and I get no response - and try to see if something happens that way. I'm not ashamed in trying the apps, because there are some people you just wouldn't meet otherwise in this big city.

Collection The Impossible Collection

I haven't played any of my retro video games in a long, long time. Like since I moved down here. Six months.

All of the classic systems are in storage. I managed to keep my PS3, Game Boy, and 3DS out so I can play them. That has been all.

You would typically assume that distance makes the heart grow fonder. Being gone for this long, I almost don't miss them. Don't get me wrong, I am still a huge nerd over all things video games, but not being near it and near the collecting has slightly turned me off from it.

When I'm a fan of something, I really dig it. I want to dive fully in to it. The problem is that some of what I am a nerd about has suddenly become this popular thing to be in or collect. Comic books, video games, and everything in between. I don't mind that it has become popular, I actually enjoy it. I like seeing Batman everywhere. I like how the stories are now reaching more people and they can hopefully have as much of an impact on their lives and they did on mine. The problem comes down to expense for said product.

Collecting video games when I first dove back in a few years ago was starting to become a thing. Then the business boomed. I used to get games for a couple of bucks, if that. Now I see that those same games can go for anywhere between 10-15 bucks a pop. Not cool for my wallet.

I don't get why. Sudden surge of popularity? The demand for something that can easily be downloaded for free on a computer or streamed from a web  site and people are paying hundreds for it? The games aren't worth that much. Same as anything old like that. See vinyl, see comic books, see old books. 

People then get in to it simply to turn a profit, which makes me sick I get being able to run your own business, but taking something that can influence the dreams and inspire ideas in another person shouldn't make you that much of a profit. 

Knowing this, I have to admit that I have an Ebay store that I run. I don't like the fact that these things go for a profit, so I'm getting rid of my comic collection. I'd rather have a digital collection, or a huge book shelf full of collected editions than tot around long white boxes for the rest of my life that only I can enjoy. Now, should I also do this for my video games?

I'm almost to that point. The part of me that doesn't still enjoys the old controllers and playing the actual game. It is weird that I haven't got the same attitude that I do for video games that I do for comics. But slowly, I'm buying in to the idea.

Get a hard drive and through a bunch of games on there. Get the game collections that have 50 games in one and play them on the newer systems. I used to get in to the retro games because they were cheap and very entertaining. Now they are just too much to play something that I may like because I never played it before. There are some Nintendo games that are apparently pretty great, but I don't want to dump anywhere over three digits just to give it a try. 

I don't think of it as growing up. I just think of it as evolving to be someone smarter when it comes to acquiring my favorite forms of entertainment. I'd rather go to the conventions and hang out with like minded people then spending the money needed to try and collect all the games. 

See that, video games inspired me to travel outside and hang with people. There's that to blowing up the basement dwelling nerd stereotype.

Personal Health Status - None Of Your Concern

I've always thought that personal health and training is a personal matter, and shouldn't be flaunted about in public. Yeah for you and personal achievement, but I just don't get the concept.

That being said, let's discuss my own health.

I dated a girl who was a fitness freak. Seriously. To the point that it turned me off from doing anything physical that was healthy for me.

Cue up to a very different mindset today.

During my recent unemployment, I peaked at around 180. In high school I was a buck 50 easy, so you can imagine what I felt when I found old high school pictures and clothes and didn't fit in them. For me, something had to change.

I also found myself on the dating scene, and I knew that it was something desirable to be fir to a degree. So, I joined a gym and actually went to it.

I went a little crazy at first with the thought that physical therapy would help me overcome the recent break up, and for a while it did. The break down for me was just getting in to a routine that drained me constantly. I got to the point that if I didn't walk an hour a day on the treadmill after work or finish one of 5 different fitness apps I had going then nothing was going to work.

Around this time, Penn Jillette of the famous magic duo decided that he was going to drop weight like crazy to help himself get off the 6 blood pressure medications he was on. It worked for him.

Inspired a bit, I decided to try what he did for food, which was an extreme vegan diet. No salts, oils, refined sugar, meat or animal products of any kind, and trying to break eating habits. He wrote a book about it that ill be coming soon, but some of what he talked about got in my ear and stuck there in my brain. So I tried it, and failed after almost a week. That was in Bloomington, and I was gearing up for a big move south.

Once I hit Austin, a lot of what I was doing went to the wayside. I had managed to get myself up each morning and dole out 50 push ups, 10 sit ups, and 10 squats. I ran about 5 minutes each day, and hit the gym for more in Bloomington. Here, I was lucky to try and do just the push ups.

Back in Illinois, I had gotten in to cooking new food items for myself. It was a hobby that I was glad to get in to a little more after the breakup. I went from eating frozen pizza and mac n cheese for most of my meals to actually making pizza dough, sauce, and many other dishes. I learned about making Mountain Dew cupcakes and tried to just make everything from scratch because the thrill of learning a new dish got under my skin.

In Austin, there are food trucks everywhere. And they are deliciousness. So the weight went up, and the more curious case of stress eating about not having a job crept in.

Then I got a job. A job meant structure. A job meant routine. So back to my daily exercises I went.

Now, I am at 60 push ups, 15 sit ups, 15 squats, and about 30 various chest and arm exercises with some hand weights. After work, I have been going on hour long walks. Before, I was kitting maybe 2000 steps a day. Now I'm cranking in about 7500 on a low day.

Through the week I'm eating more of a vegetarian diet. For breakfast each day I do a handful of some vegetable, be it carrots, green peppers, or celery. For lunch I have a couple handfuls of almonds. A couple months ago when I was at 180, now I'm around 165.

I don't say this to brag. The routine works for me, and it probably won't work the same for you. All of our bodies are different, this way works for me personally and I don't want any judgement from it, be it good or bad.

It is kind of funny these days. I'm on some dating apps to see what the single life is around this town. You wouldn't believe how many women are gym rats to a degree that disturbs me. Not because they work out, but because of the massive amounts of gym selfies taken and handstands in front of famous monuments. For fuck's sake, you can do a handstand, why should I give a fuck? You can lift or run a marathon, why should I care?

That's the think when you go extreme with the gym thing - you find out it is all a dick measuring contest when you start to brag about it to others. You have to be in it for yourself, not for others.

Squealing of Brakes Around Town

Uphill braking isn't a term I thought I would ever use in my lifetime. Then I moved to Austin.

I think I've narrowed it down to what exactly is the cause of the bad driving in Austin. Besides being a city where it has grown and grown and there is this melting pot of different driving habits from across the country, one thing remains true.

Austin drivers are afraid when they see another car on the road.

There it is in the simplest of terms. There is another driver on the road and they don't know how to react to seeing that car.

Every morning I check over Google Maps as it gives me a pretty good idea each day about the traffic conditions that I will encounter. I would think that over time, I would be able to see a pattern emerge and could tell the best way to drive around town. No. Each day is different, and I can't tell the rhyme or reason for it.

Flash back to Obama visiting town. Traffic was very, very light. Most people stayed home. You could actually reach the speed limit on the highway. It was amazing.

Is that because more people were off the roads? No, it was because those that have to drive and knew where they were going were the only ones on the road.

I can't describe how many times I have been on the highway and the idea of not even reaching the speed limit when in the fast lane is beyond me. The fast lane is used by everyone for their 10 miles below the speed limit cruise control.

Did I actually say cruise control? That's more times in the past two minutes that I've typed it out then I've actually pushed the button since I moved to Texas. The hope of a consistent speed that didn't involve random braking every two seconds is beyond me these days.

I've also discovered the magic of traffic jam de-congestion. Where it was going 5 MPH stop and go to magically everyone can hit 60. There is no rhyme or reason for it.

People in Austin also aren't aware of the zipper effect while merging. Traffic jams up a lot at any highway entrance and exit and merge point because people slow to a crawl and everyone scrambles to figure out how to move forward. No one gets the idea of every other car blending together in to one line. You have line jumpers, people who just come to a dead stop and tediously try to move forward, and people who just go any where they want.

There is one secret I've found, and that is staying in the middle lane. For some reason, the middle lane is the lane to just jump by everyone feeling like you are going 100 when you are only going 50 on the highway to their 35.

I'm weird and I follow my average MPH on my car. It was at 26.4 when I moved to town, and you would think with all the 45 zones I go through along with the highway that the number would inch upwards. Wrong. 26.3 is what is on my car, and it has been there for months. My average miles per gallon has gone up, but I would think there would be some balance there.

I don't get why traffic has to be so painful to drive around here. I did notice that if I'm not the one driving, it doesn't bother me as much. There is some serious calculations going on in my head of the benefits of just taking Uber everywhere versus owning my own vehicle. Between having a bike and walking everywhere, my only pain point is the distance from work at the moment, but the math may be looking on the side of going car free.

I'm making a mental note to get brakes checked the next available Saturday. Something tells me they are wearing away at a much faster rate than they should be.

Return To Form

There is an awakening happening.

It is time that I started out on this again, but with a different focus. This is going to be about me. Yes, comic reviews from yesteryear will stay here. Not sure what else to do with them but to show how far one has come from what he used to be all about.

I'm not sure what the direct focus will be other than to set aside some time for myself to create something in some way. Some posts will be random notes and junk thoughts. Some will be intelligent and insightful. You'll ultimately decide which is which.

The part that I want out of this is a raw look at myself. Where I've been, what I'm doing, and what the plan is from here. If you don't have a plan, you will be successful at doing nothing. I want more than that out of this life.

I'd like to say that comedy notes will be here. Some short stories. What I can guarantee is that is will be personal, and it will be me.

Let's first look at something that happened recently that found me at a major loss for words - my old job.

My old job was at an internet company that specialized in filtered email for students. I loved that job. When I moved, I was hurt that I couldn't keep the job, but leaving town meant more to me on a personal level the benefits of the job. Turns out, it was a good choice on my part.

There were layoffs at the old job. A lot of people, close friends, were let go due to company restructuring. I couldn't believe that the, a company of about 70-80 people, used a line that is reserved for the de-humanized corporations that go through budget cuts and massive layoffs.

From the looks of it, I would have been let go during this process. It was something that I just didn't think could happen to me, and I'm thankful I'm not in the position to be one of those who were let go.

In an alternate reality, another David still in Illinois would be having the worst week ever. Right now, I'm having one of the better ones. I think I like this reality.

Going through the talks with friends and the emotional churn that it had, I got the sense of some survivors guilt that people had. It was an emotion that I hadn't really seen. Granted, it wasn't as intense as if people died all around you and you experience it in a heavy sense of the word, but it was mixed bag of emotions that I saw my friends go through. On one hand, you still have a job. And yet on the other, the guy sitting next to you probably doesn't. And they aren't just some guy, they are a friend that you've had for years.

The other people aren't dead, but you are now wondering if there is anything you can do to help out. You don't want to see a friend hurting. You do anything you can. Sometimes it can be as simple as a text or phone call. You leave your contact information for them to pass around as a reference. The lengths you can go for your friends depends on closeness and distance. From here in Texas, there isn't much I can do in a physical sense with a hug or having a drink at the bar. But I can be there in spirit. From leaving Facebook messages to sending a text, every bit helps. You reach out to tell them they aren't alone, that they have support.

There will be those who listen, and take the reach out to their heart. There are some that will sink in to the depths of their own head. At the end of the day, you can either face the unknown future that is now before you and embrace the darkness, or you can stumble about and make things worse. When I was in that position, I turned a bit both ways. But I immediately knew when I had crossed a line for myself, and decided to make things better in the end.

Call it the power of positive thinking if you must, but I call it just knowing that whatever this is that is happening to you can just be another blip on the radar in your life before the next turn on the path. All you need to remember is to stay on the path and keep moving forward.